| Relief |
[Oct. 15th, 2011|02:06 am] |
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All of my friends have better friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2011|09:36 pm] |
At some point, if I feel accomplished enough, maybe I won't feel like I wasted my life.
When I turn thirty, things will change. I've demanded that of myself since I was five. I don't know what decided that, but I've never let it go. A little over two years to go. I don't know will happen. It is scarier than it is exciting. |
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| About a year old |
[Sep. 7th, 2011|09:28 pm] |
It is common for me to wake up and convulse. To need to hear dance music, uplifting me to the point of tears. I could blame them on being tired, but i know that triumph has an effect that i hide whenever I'm not alone. I wake up and shake. I feel the chemical imbalance, but i dare not disturb abnormalcy if it means feeling something new. Besides, convulsing is the closest thing i get to working out.
I like my lives how I like my music -- on repeat. I'm shaking into the past. The music, the feelings, the memories are twenty years old. A chorus pounding that I have to run to. Like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, my real life is just hiding. I've tried letting everything go. I've tried holding it all in. I've tried raising my arms to the sky. And my belief structure was born of their identical result.
The beautiful life is only seen, never lived. We collaborate to stage instances of what we would live if it were available (music videos). But the reality is a direct metaphor; soon I'll have to leave this dream-state and take a dump. |
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| In summary |
[Sep. 4th, 2011|08:19 pm] |
(7:57:24 PM) joethesockpuppet: how was the wedding?
(7:57:37 PM) TheMindChasm: there were some shortcomings
(7:57:47 PM) TheMindChasm: i got hit on by a girl who is now my sister-in-law
(7:57:55 PM) joethesockpuppet: .....
(7:57:57 PM) TheMindChasm: somehow that didn't bother her
(7:57:57 PM) joethesockpuppet: awkward
(7:58:10 PM) TheMindChasm: it was a "redneck themed" wedding
(7:58:27 PM) TheMindChasm: so my mom had made dresses of hunting camo
(7:58:47 PM) TheMindChasm: bride, groom, best man, bridesmaids, everyone
(7:58:55 PM) joethesockpuppet: ;_;
(7:59:00 PM) TheMindChasm: she gave away my bed, my bedding
(7:59:06 PM) TheMindChasm: and my unopened kitchen set
(7:59:21 PM) TheMindChasm: plates, bowls, silverware, knife set, and utensils
(7:59:23 PM) joethesockpuppet: that's not cool
(7:59:26 PM) TheMindChasm: including spatula and stuff
(7:59:33 PM) TheMindChasm: bed was brand new
(7:59:53 PM) joethesockpuppet: is she going to reimburse you?
(7:59:57 PM) TheMindChasm: pretty much all i got back were some vhs tapes i didn't want
(8:00:01 PM) TheMindChasm: my sword, and my guitar
(8:00:14 PM) joethesockpuppet: that's shitty
(8:00:26 PM) joethesockpuppet: i mean, sword and guitar, yay... but still shitty
(8:01:03 PM) TheMindChasm: the car ride proved my brother is still mostly scumbag
(8:01:12 PM) TheMindChasm: while he and baby-momma argued
(8:01:18 PM) joethesockpuppet: sadness
(8:01:26 PM) TheMindChasm: she was basically your typical highschool skank
(8:01:43 PM) TheMindChasm: he's still unrelentingly selfish
(8:01:57 PM) TheMindChasm: cousins are all druggies (save 1)
(8:02:04 PM) TheMindChasm: mom and pals still drunks
(8:02:22 PM) TheMindChasm: she is quitting smoking on monday, because she got a lung disease
(8:02:24 PM) TheMindChasm: i forget which
(8:02:34 PM) joethesockpuppet: jesus
(8:02:37 PM) TheMindChasm: but it's in early stages, so if she actually quits it'll heal
(8:02:47 PM) joethesockpuppet: good luck to her on that
(8:03:02 PM) TheMindChasm: she promised to quit
(8:03:11 PM) TheMindChasm: i wish i could take her word
(8:03:12 PM) joethesockpuppet: it doesn't sound like she's in an environment that will encourage her, though
(8:03:22 PM) TheMindChasm: yeah
(8:03:27 PM) TheMindChasm: everyone there was smoking
(8:03:34 PM) TheMindChasm: 5 feet away from babies
(8:03:38 PM) TheMindChasm: which there are now about 5 of
(8:03:41 PM) TheMindChasm: spread across the family
(8:04:16 PM) joethesockpuppet: babies are contagious
(8:04:29 PM) TheMindChasm: my best-off cousin has a steady girlfriend/job
(8:04:31 PM) TheMindChasm: and only smokes
(8:04:40 PM) TheMindChasm: drinks responsibly, doesn't drug
(8:04:42 PM) TheMindChasm: doesn't baby
(8:04:57 PM) joethesockpuppet: a+ for only one disgusting habit
(8:05:15 PM) TheMindChasm: my bible-thumping cousin didn't show
(8:05:23 PM) TheMindChasm: because he's working on marrying his first girlfriend
(8:05:27 PM) TheMindChasm: so he can lose his virginity
(8:05:38 PM) TheMindChasm: i don't know if he smokes or anything. i know he drinks
(8:05:38 PM) joethesockpuppet: sounds classy
(8:05:44 PM) TheMindChasm: yeah
(8:05:51 PM) TheMindChasm: he's 2 days younger than sam
(8:05:59 PM) TheMindChasm: dude is anxious
(8:06:03 PM) TheMindChasm: to make a penis mistake
(8:06:21 PM) TheMindChasm: but the good news
(8:06:29 PM) TheMindChasm: yep
(8:06:42 PM) joethesockpuppet: there is good news?
(8:06:52 PM) TheMindChasm: nothing comes to mind
(8:07:05 PM) joethesockpuppet: you said so
(8:07:17 PM) TheMindChasm: comedic effect
(8:07:21 PM) TheMindChasm: to lessen the sadness
(8:07:28 PM) joethesockpuppet: did it work?
(8:07:35 PM) TheMindChasm: slightly |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2011|08:31 am] |
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I often forget to check livejournal for weeks at a time, but when I come back there are only 2 new posts. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2011|11:28 am] |
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So, Meghan. You're either not on aim or my aim continues to be unreliable. As you expected, I won't be able to hang out today -- sorry. Swamped with school and work. Bug me on aim if you see this. |
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| On leaving myself |
[Apr. 17th, 2011|07:40 pm] |
First off, I'm sorry. I am still a million angries. Yes, I want to die. Yes, you will have the chance to punch me in the face for it. For those of you who aren't interested, I don't blame you and I won't be offended if you stop here.
( Otherwise: ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2011|06:42 pm] |
Dear bro or madam,
I'm ready to die. I'm out of money, hope, and rebounds. I'm out of olive branches, sympathy, and gratitude. I think sleeping pills and some wrist wounds would be most appropriate -- I can't help it...I GOTTA CARVE!
So uh...I guess, fuck you? I don't know. Nothing is really leaping out at me as far as goodbyes. My family will mourn me, doubtless, but they're a bunch of losers, too. My friends will be angry, but fuck you. (See "Anger"). I'm drained financially, emotionally, etceterally.
You're right. I can't afford sleeping pills. You could argue I can't afford to die, but you couldn't argue it well. I have enough scars, so what am I supposed to threaten myself with? Coping mechanisms sure are useless on their Nth run through. |
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| Just more stupid shit |
[Apr. 14th, 2011|10:17 pm] |
Anger
I leave this world with such the rage with which I entered. My true self would give as little mercy as I've accepted. Were there a comfort, an overcoming, of such rage, I'd have some inkling -- some tattered script to content or appease. Nay. I see not reason, validation, nor end to the chasm. In fiery rage was I forged, and in bitter embers have I wittled my benevolence. I hide myself no more in laughter, in forgiveness, or understanding. Know that such deeds are my greatest lies. Know that fury, and not peace, consumes the oldest draught of my blood.
Still I swoon to violence. Still I reckon as beauty, and savor, the plunging knife. Cause and effect, alpha and omega, truth and regret, Chasm and Neptune. Still, I denounce the failure of "best over right."
Yeah. I carved out a little life, when I was young. I had my friends, and my dreams, and my brainwash-fantasies. But they're all dead now and I don't think it's worth sticking around. Anymore I just get the old adrenaline rush when I look at the sky -- my link to life. But my brain reminds me that these feelings aren't real. He reminds me that there are no do-overs, and no wings. My back reminds me that I'll never move like I used to. My eye reminds me I can lose. And my mind grows slower by the year. Not only will I never be what I wanted, but I can't even match the fire of my fledgling years. I have less future than past. |
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| What are you talking about, Steve? |
[Jan. 10th, 2011|10:48 pm] |
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"Hi Kevin. I was listening to you the other day even though I didn't say much. Don't know how you go to school and work at Safeway at the same time. If you do decide to leave, you will be missed. Your humor is much appreciated. By the way, do you know anyone interested in a used Spice rack?" |
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